Just no.

One sunny afternoon my brother volunteered to grab us Chipotle while a few of us were visiting at my mom's house. When we all sat down I noticed she had her standard breakfast* = Eggos with a ton of syrup. Like half a bottle of syrup, I shit you not. (REMINDER: Gigi is a diabetic)

For a moment I forgot she hates anything "spicy". I put quotes around "spicy" because almost every food is considered too spicy these days and she has a special Gigi way of saying it. And when I say everything, even tomato basil soup is too "Spyy-Cee".

Forgetting this fact I asked why she didn't order anything. It's Chipotle for heaven's sake! She responded in kind, "I have a virgin mouth." And that ladies and gentlemen is how you destroy your children's lunch.

*Eggos are also her standard lunch and dinner. 

Gigi Gump

Over the July 4th weekend Gigi wanted to impart some of her wisdom and stated, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You can't just eat one!" Clearly, Bobby Zemeckis didn't consult her when he was directoring the movie and who knows how Forrest's life would have gone. 

Oh, and she did provide a couple of reasons why "you can't eat just one":

1. Because they're like potato chips. 

2. Sometimes you bite into one and it's not what you wanted so you have to put it back and try another. 

Merry ChriSTDmas

So I've been terrible at posting updates... And I apologize! Lots has been happening but I promise to try and be better.

This past Christmas it was a very small group of us. It was a little strange because I did not get an actual present from my mother until she wrote me a check 2 months later. Wait, I lied. She did get me a present. It was a rosemary bush with Christmas lights. I'm single, I don't cook, I live in a 750 sq ft condo, and I can kill a cactus for forgetting to water it. What the hell am I going to do with a rosemary bush?!? (God rest its soul)

After dinner we were sitting around talking and my mom went to ask me a question. From what I gather the question was supposed to start out "Do you have..." but then as Gigi does, she got a little confused. Instead of asking me the question she had in her head, out came "Do you have AIDS?"

Merry Christmas to you too mom! Merry Christmas indeed.

Add Photos/Video

It appears someone taught Gigi how to upload pictures to Facebook. Sadly, they did not teach her how to crop... Nice pedicure Gig!

(PS I used the crop feature to protect the individuals in this photo)

Taking it to the Streets

Gigi recently told my brother, "If anesthesia was a street drug, I'd use it every day." So, you know, that happened. 

Total + Tip = Math is Hard

A couple months ago Gigi and I went out to dinner. As a good son always does, I let her pay. The bill was $48.65 and she normally requires assistance determining tip amount. We've had this waiter before and he is always great so we agreed $10 seemed appropriate. Actually, she figured it out on her own!

So I started putting on my coat and getting ready to leave when I realized she was still reviewing the bill. "What's wrong?" I asked. Then she began to get angry that I hadn't helped her total the dinner amount plus tip. Seriously? Adding 10 to ANY number is the easiest form of math. And trust me, I suck at math!

PS The restaurant serves flatbread with sun-dried tomato butter before your meal. I only got half a piece of flatbread and was not allowed to use the butter. If I wanted some I would need to ask for more. Her flatbread looked like it was covered in Cool Whip.

2014 Pride Parade - Part 1

Sorry for another long delay... For a while I didn't think Gigi was giving my any material that would make people laugh. But as I told the stories I learned, I was very wrong! So let's jump right back into the world that is Gigi with a story about this year's Gay and Lesbian Pride Parade.

I was disappointed with her outfit this year as she did not wear her "Gay or Straight My Kids are Great" shirt. However, she did wear her Tinkerbell cap. Nothing like a fairy cap a gay event. Heyyyyyyy!

After the pre-parade at my house (where she learned that Effen Cucumber isn't the best option for long hours of day drinking) she moved on to regular vodka... And any other hard liquor she could get her hands on. We then proceed to the street where she took her seat to wave her rainbow flag and make her annual proclamation, "I'm becoming a lesbian!" 

About half way through the parade my older niece (18 years old) was given a pack of condom. Since she's going to college this fall my sister and I told her she needed to keep 'em gems safe. Then all of a sudden Gigi started yelling, "Hey, where those condoms? I'm a single lady! Share some of them with me!" How many of you have ever had to say to your grandmother, "No Gigi, I'm not sharing my condoms with you."? 

Welcome back! Stay tuned for more fun adventures!